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                藕太粗了,傷身!

                1

                “你喜歡什么,我送給你。” 

                “我喜歡玩偶,你買個給我吧。” 

                “可以換個別的嗎?” 

                “怎么了?” 

                “藕太粗了,傷身!”

                2

                今天早上晨跑,看到前面兩妹子,感覺跑不動的樣子。

                我鼓起勇氣上前搭訕:“嗨,美女怎么不跑了” 

                美女:“累了,跑不動了。” 

                我摸了她的胸部,撒腿就跑,一直追我還找了幾個穿制服的誘惑我。

                3

                今天和朋友去飯館吃飯,剛坐下就聽見有人吼到:老板來份紅燒大市館!我和朋友很好奇于是也點了一份,不一會兒老板端上來一盤豬大腸,老板我們沒點大腸呀,老板幽怨地說:這不就是你們點的紅燒大屎管嘛!

                4

                最近小明天天和小剛下象棋,下就下吧,小明卻一次沒贏過,我問:“小明,你為啥這么愛下象棋啊!”小明的一番話讓我也開始下上了棋,他說:“因為每當我帥被吃了的時候,旁邊的女生都會說‘小明,你帥死了,帥死了!’

                5

                朋友問我,花幾萬塊買包的女人是什么心態?我笑道:什么心態?他男朋友買不起十幾萬幾十萬的唄!

                6

                早上起床,聽到5樓有吵架聲。上去一看原來是5樓王先生和隔壁李老板在打架。李老板明顯占下風,大家都在拉王先生,只見王先生拿著菜刀指著李老板罵到:“最看不慣這種大清早打孩子的人”

                7

                好友說:“酷是帥得嚴肅,傲是俊得孤獨,靚是美得端正,騷是浪得妖邪,憨是傻得可愛,萌是蠢得認真。”

                我問:“那我是。。。?”

                好友:“你是丑的一B。”

                瑪淡,友盡!

                8

                一匹白馬向龐大的大象發起挑戰。

                “哈哈,你是瘋了吧,竟然向我挑戰?”大象嘲笑道,“你信不信我一鼻子抽死你?”

                “哈哈,自高自大的東西!別以為你很牛!我就不怕你!你敢跟我參加一場公平比試嗎?”白馬說。

                “誰不敢誰是孫子!你說吧,怎么比?”

                “走,我們到棋盤上比。”

                9

                主人,您老公呢?怎么,想他了?是啊,都好久沒跟他親熱了,我好想他呢.....先忍忍吧,他很快就會回來了!主人,求您了,如果您老公一回來,請立刻安排我跟他會面吧....放心吧,這死鬼出差那么久竟連敢電話都不給我打一個!只要他一回來就讓你們親熱TMD三天三夜!是嗎?搓衣板一聽,高興地笑了......

                10

                唐僧師徒走在路上,看見前面有一座大山,山的一側飄浮起一團團的霧氣。

                唐僧大驚,叫道:“悟空,前面好像有妖氣。”悟空的火眼金睛一照,笑道:“師父,放心吧,那不是妖氣。”

                唐僧不相信:“不是妖氣是什么?”悟空笑著說:“是霧霾……”

                11

                老婆掌管財政大權,每次零花錢給的都不多,所以今天準備跟老婆談談。“老婆,你以后每天多給我點零花錢吧,我想日行一善”“嗯?邢怡珊是誰?這種事你TM還敢跟我要錢!”

                12

                有一次和老婆逛街,路上背老婆一段路,回頭對她說,老婆每次背著你,都覺得背著的是責任。老婆羞澀的底下了頭。偷偷得的笑了笑。把她放下來我又說了句,責任重于泰山呀。

                13

                超市門口都有存包處,按一下出來一個紙條然后一個柜子自動打開那種。今天存包,拿了紙條,剛想把東西放進去,一大媽搶先一步,放東西關門一氣呵成。。。我看了她一眼,撕紙條扔垃圾桶轉身走人。

                14

                半夜突然壞肚子起來上廁所,剛坐上馬桶,感覺不對,要吐!于是轉過身往馬桶里吐,結果一使勁把屎拉到地上了!趕緊轉過身把剩下的拉到馬桶里,結果被屎一熏,又吐了!這時老婆進來一看,問我道:“這屎是你吐的?!”

                15

                同事:如果你老板不幸失足跳樓了。而你可以擁有一個特異功能,你希望有什么特異功能?

                我:我希望能時光倒流。

                同事:這么有愛心吶?

                我:我想多看兩遍。

                同事。。。

                16

                學校里有個校醫,學生都叫他獸醫,他聽到每次都笑不說話,食堂大叔聽不過去了,說叫你獸醫你怎么不生氣啊?校醫說:別人叫你喂豬的你生氣么?

                17

                今天在門衛大爺那玩陌陌,大爺問:這是干什么的?

                我說:偶爾能約炮。

                大爺忙著問:約到了嗎?

                我說:玩兩年了一個沒約到。

                大爺笑著說:唉,玩高科技都沒約到,我跳廣場舞都約到了倆!

                我。。。大爺,能教我跳舞么。。。

                18

                一個姑娘有急事上一黑車,司機說:現在黑車抓得嚴,萬一被查要說是朋友。姑娘說沒事,就說我是你媳婦。不巧車被Pol.ice攔截檢查,司機說這是我媳婦。姑娘說:“老公,我就在這下車啦,我出門沒帶錢,給我兩百元錢,我到前面市場買點東西然后自己回家”。司機無奈掏出兩百元給姑娘,哭著說老婆早點回家啊!

                19

                女友來大姨媽了,痛苦的蜷在床上。我深情的拍拍她,真的很疼嗎?看你這么痛苦我愿意和你分擔。說完女友一拳打在我的兩腿之間。我倆一起蜷在床上,原來來大姨媽這么痛苦。

                20

                男:當年我遇到燈神,他說我可以選擇擁有超長的JJ或者超長的記憶力。

                女:那你當時選擇了什么?

                男:我不記得了。

                女:你真壞。。。

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